


Brave

by ahappyphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Coming Out, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, radio show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 22:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20897132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil
Summary: Dan’s not ready to come out, but he still wants to help





	Brave

“We’ll have an announcement to make at the top of the show, just to say” Aled seems far more relaxed than the average person in his situation. “I will be coming out!”

They share a gasp Dan hopes reads as supportive, and not the forty seven other emotions stampeding through his brain right now.

He covers his face for a beat. Long enough to reign in whatever stunned expression is no doubt plastered on his face. He can't help but think about _them_ watching. They’re always watching...waiting for a slip up, a silent confirmation that he’s exactly what they think he is. What he technically is, but nowhere close enough to publicly admit.

Certainly not on a live broadcasted radio show. Not surrounded by producers and workers who may or may not be supportive. Or maybe they won’t give it a second thought, it’s not like they have any emotional investment in the sexuality of radio presenters. What if they do have an opinion, but in the way the kids on the playground did; the kind that ends in bloody noses and permanently scarred hearts. 

Dan fumbles through the promo for The Surgery, trying very hard to be nonchalant. It’s obvious, he knows it's obvious as the words spill out of his mouth. 

People are going to talk about this aren’t they? The staff will probably gossip later about that one weird DJ that’s _ probably gay, I mean how could he not be I think he’s fucking the other one with the black hair_, stuttering at Aled’s announcement _because he’s probably still in the closet but why bother because it’s so obvious_. 

Maybe they won’t. Maybe he’s projecting, and in his head too much. He read an article about that once. 

He also realizes he hasn’t actually said anything supportive yet, and now he’s overcome with the feeling of being a selfish twat who’s too consumed with his own shit to be genuinely happy for someone who’s actually figured it out.

“That’s very brave, Aled. Wow” He’s looking down. He can’t look at the camera, and he sure as hell can’t look at Phil. 

Phil seems more at ease with the situation as he agrees. “That’s so brave!” 

Of course Phil can be happy and encouraging. Of course he’s not stewing in his own sexuality crisis live on camera, because he’s not a self centered asshole. He doesn't even have a crisis, he’s out to the people that matter. He figured his shit out years ago.

No. Stop. He’s not going to do this right now. 

Dan takes a minute to do some silent deep breaths. In one of his late night post breakdown google dives, he found a technique that said to focus on the facts, not the feelings. 

Facts:

1)The world is changing, and sexuality is not a big scary topic anymore. Even his fucked up mind can see the positive changes in public mentality. 

2) No one actually knows anything about him. They can speculate, but the fact is nothing is truth until he says it. 

3) Phil loves him. Phil doesn't hold the fact that he’s not out against him. Hell, Phil isn't even out to everyone. He’s not holding him back from anything. Phil doesn't secretly resent him. He knows this. They’ve had that conversation about a hundred times, and they’ll probably have it again. 

4) He’s gay. That’s the big one, isn’t it? He’s gay, and it’s not wrong or scary or bad. The things that make it scary involve other people. This isn't about other people, it’s about him and who he is; not Aled, or Phil, or anyone else. 

He’s rushing to leave the studio the minute they’re all clear. Phil is probably anticipating some sort of breakdown as soon as they’re free from prying eyes. He didn’t even admonish him when Dan got snippy that Phil wanted to pee before they left, and he was exceptionally patient when Dan wanted to go a specific route home. He lets Dan storm into the flat and sit on the couch with his knees to his chest.

They don't listen to The Surgery. Dan just can't. He can't sit there and hear someone do the thing he just...can't yet. 

He’s proud of Aled, proud of the way he’s putting himself out there in order to help the thousands like him listening. He think about what it would have meant to him as a kid to see an openly gay presenter coming out on air, how much it would have meant to see the reception and support. 

It makes him angry. He’s angry that he grew up in a society that took every opportunity to tell him it was wrong, at the people around him who perpetuated that ideal, at everyone that failed him. 

He’s angry at himself. Does he even have a right to be pissed at all the people that made being gay so terrifying when he’s not doing anything to help change it himself? He’s got the influence and the following to actually do something, but he’s not. He’s not because he’s weak and selfish and the same scared kid that would rather let someone take out their frustrations on him than speak up. 

Just before he can fully spiral into a crisis that will leave him in his bed unable to move for two days, he feels a head on his shoulder and a hand slipping into his. 

“Just because he did, doesn’t mean you have to. It’s not a competition, Dan” Phil rubs his thumb up and down his hand. “There’s no time frame”

“I hate not doing anything. I hate not being able to help” He can feel the tears welling up. “I can’t even pretend to be a good ally for a bloody coworker. He said it, and I choked. I couldn’t even get my shit together to let him have his moment”

Phil pulls him in and wraps his arms around him. “You’re not an ally, Dan. Just because you’re not out doesn’t mean you’re not a part of it. You’re not on the outside” 

“I still want to do something” Dan is keenly aware of how petulant he sounds. 

He expects Phil to give him a lecture about how it’s not their responsibility or how he can help when he feels ready. Unlike Dan, he doesn’t feel called to react to every injustice in the world.

So it comes as a surprise when he just sighs and whispers “me too”

They sit and talk and cuddle and cry for hours; it feels like the old days. Just pouring out their souls to the only person who truly and fully gets it. 

It was Phil’s suggestion to look up queer charities; something they could do anonymously. “It’s something. It’s helping without people knowing”

Dan agrees. It’s a brilliant idea, and he feels a slight twinge of pride as he clicks ‘monthly donation’. Some of the funds go to help queer youth. The knowledge that it even exists gives him hope. 

It’s not coming out on a public platform, it’s not particularly brave, but it’s a start. He wants to help. Those kids deserve to be helped. 

Maybe he deserves to be helped too. He wants to give himself something now that young Dan certainly needed. 

Maybe the next time he sees Aled, he can congratulate him and thank him for the important work he’s done...and also ask about those helplines he’s talked about before. Maybe he’ll look up some therapist later. 

Maybe it’s time for him to be brave too

**Author's Note:**

> Reblog [here](https://ahappydnp.tumblr.com/post/188136511176/brave-t-12k-summary-dans-not-ready-to-come-out)


End file.
